The Big Fat Shame

Recently, I've been seeing a lot of traffic on social media on "shaming."  Particularly body shaming.  A very beautiful and defined mother of three young children, posing in a midriff baring sports bra type of "workout" outfit, with the caption "What's Your Excuse?" is considered a "fat shamer."  I get what she was trying to convey with the pic - likely something along the lines of "If I can do it with all these little rugrats vying for my attention, then surely YOU can do it!  Stop letting excuses like lack of time keep you from chiseled abs and long flowing hair!"  You know, the typical.  But it made people feel bad about themselves and so now she's a fat shamer.  This hip word, shame, that's now being applied to just about everything, dog shaming, fat shaming, yoga shaming even, is nothing new, right?  Neither is this post!  

Yes, I wish the media would stop portraying photoshopped models as what females look like and instead use normal people (same thing for those gorgeous six packed male models too).  Yes, I wish we would stop nitpicking and bullying each other.  Yes, I wish the retail and fashion industry would stop jacking with sizes so that we all know that a 10 is a 10 is a 10 in a pair of jeans no matter if it's at the Gap or at Walmart.  Yes, I wish people would stop hating each other for whatever body type it is that they have (including hating on skinny people or "skinny shaming").  

But what I really wish is that we'd stop expecting other people to change our beliefs about our body and start doing it ourselves.  Stop believing that you aren't an "athlete" because you were told you didn't need to be good at sports because you were so smart.  Stop believing that the scale tells you how healthy you are or how much of a failure you are.  Stop believing that you can't start over when you missed 4 days of working out.  Stop believing everyone else's definition of who you are.  Stop giving their opinion of you more weight than your own.  

I have always been skinny - go ahead and hate me for it, I don't give a flying you know what.  My mom is skinny and tall and I got the skinny gene.  Guess what?  Skinny didn't save me from being called lots of names!  As a kid, I was "hyper."  As a teenager, I was mocked for having dark circles under my eyes, a big nose, acne (genetic, genetic, puberty) - none of which I could change!  As an adult, I kept playing those tapes in my head.  I gained weight in a job where I traveled a lot.  I ballooned in pregnancy.  I emerged as a self loathing, ready to self destruct, adult.  I just wanted to love myself.  

And then I started to run.  At first, I started to run because I hated myself and seemed like appropriate punishment.  I beat myself up when I missed a run.  I ran harder when I felt like someone was belittling me or taking power away from me.  I ran and I ran and I ran.  

And then I started to race.  At first a 5k.  Then a 10k.  And then a half-marathon.  And now, 10 half marathons and more 5k races then I can count.  

And then a shift.  I don't know when it happened exactly.  Likely close to the time when I got my tummy tuck.  At first, it was so taboo, hush hush, plastic surgery is so fake kind of bull crap.  Then it shifted to a different attitude.  My body had been put back together.  I no longer had a hernia or was asked if I was still pregnant 5 years after I delivered a big, healthy baby boy.  I stopped caring what other people's opinions were of plastic surgery and that spread to what other people's opinion of who I was.  

BEFORE

I started to lift.  I started to ride my bike.  I started to practice more yoga, which had been with me since I was 20.  And I kept running, not because I hated myself anymore.  But because it felt like I could fly.  I started to think that I could help other people on this journey to shift.....so I became what I am today.*

And guess what?  The names still don't stop.  They never will.  The latest is "manly."  I know the context in which it was said and I still love the person who said it because it wasn't malicious but it was still a jab, an opinion, a woman shouldn't be muscular, a leader, assertive type of label.  It's just that now, I don't give it any space in my head.  In fact, I welcome it.  Not because I AM manly.  But because I am strong, and I value wisdom, not opinions.  

I have learned so much.  That only you can take that journey.  I can't make you.  I can't make you take care of yourself.  I can't force you to stop eating crappy food or start exercising.  Nor can I change the tapes in your head.  But I can help replace them with new ones.  You can do it.  You ARE doing it.  You WILL get back up.  I believe you can.  

It still creeps up.  That insecurity.  Those tapes.  The desperate desire for approval.  So I go for a run, I get on the mat, I lift something heavy.  And I breathe.  

*12/6/13:  point of clarification on "what I am today..."  This is a tribute to my clients and students and those who have been part of my journey to become a personal trainer and yoga instructor.  

http://smallbutfierceyogaandfitness.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-beginning.html